My vagina tore and I think I have a boyfriend

I ended it with the hot Iranian scientist. He was starting to get clingy and invasive. He wanted to attend the class I’m teaching at university… um. No.

And so I’ve been seeing Muscle Babe a lot.We started having sex more and.. my vagina tore. Yep. I did not know it was a thing. But I felt myself tear and it bled. We didn’t have lube the first time and the condom was so freakin tight on his dick, it was hard to roll it down the shaft and so by the time it was in place, there was no lube left on the condom. I was super horny and wet but his penis is really quite big and I was used the Short Peruvian’s small penis so… ouch. I toughed it out the first time, and then we did it again twice that week and the third time it hurt to the point I almost started crying. He was so nice about it, he said “oh well let’s just stop doing it until it is completely healed!”. And oh my goodness, he can cum five times and still be rock hard. No wonder my vagina tore… He cums super fast so it’s fun to play with it! We can have sex once, then I handjob him, then we have sex again, then handjob again and he’s a happy man. He also did his magic finger trick on me again and I came in less than a minute. Seriously he needs to teach the whole male population what he does because, oh my god. If feel A.MA.ZING. He tried to go down on me and I said “sorry, I don’t do oral sex when I’m not in a relationship. Boyfriend privilege because I want to stay clean”. And so he never tried it again.

In the meantime I went to the doctor and got my tear checked out. I also got tested for STDs because it had been a while. I didn’t even pass out during the blood test. Yay! The conversation with the doctor was awkward though… so first I saw the nurse and she asked “What brings you here?” “Well… I have a tear…” “Where?” *I look at my crotch* “In your vagina?” “Yeah…” “Ok.” and then the doctor comes in and reads my chart and says “so! you have a sore vagina?” “yeah…” *proceeds to explain what happened*

Apparently this is very common and they see that all the time. He just said to leave it alone until it heals completely and to always always use a lot of lube with big penises.

Later last week I was worried because I was always checking on OKCupid and it was always saying he was connected that day. Ugh. I thought mayyyyybe he was online just to check if I was online… so I deleted my profile. Then on Saturday we went to see a movie, and after the movie he held my hand in public to walk to a nice restaurant. (I slipped on ice and almost fell but he caught me in his superhero arms!) He paid for the super expensive food even though it was supposed to be my turn. Then we went to my apartment and started making out, I climbed on top of him on the couch, and the following dialog occurred:

Him: I want to ask something but I don’t really how…

Me: Just do it!

Him: Well… a couple weeks ago I realized that… I don’t… *here I was expecting the worst! I DON’T WANT ANYTHING SERIOUS?! I DON’T LIKE YOU ENOUGH?! I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU ANYMORE?! I DON’T LIKE WOMEN?!?!* that I don’t want to be seeing anyone else.

Me: *doing the happy dance in my head* ME NEITHER!!!!! I really like you!

Him: Me too!

Me: Oh I’m so relieved you brought it up because I chickened out!

Him: Yeah this went well. Phew! I was nervous about this. It’s always awkward to bring it up early.

We then had really hot sex that didn’t tear my insides. It was nice.

Now I wonder if he’s my boyfriend! I haaaaate what dating has become. People are terrified of the word “boyfriend/girlfriend”. But if we agree that neither of us is seeing other people it means we are in a relationship, doesn’t it? I think I will ask him. He seems really into me. And I’m totally smitten. He is absolutely adorable. I haven’t liked someone this much in a long time. This is exciting! And did I mention he looks like a freakin modelllll?!?!?! I’ve never seen a naked body this hot before. And when he kisses me while holding the sides of my face… I melt. He’s so hot. And he makes quite a lot of noise when he cums, which is a first for me, and ooooh my god it is so hot. I really think I could fall for him. He is amazing. I feel like I won the jackpot and I am not worthy.

Advertisements

Monster Penises

Oh. my. god. I had a very sexual weekend. And I would say a kind of traumatizing weekend.

So I finally saw (and held) Hot Iranian’s penis in my hand. It is the most gigantic penis I have ever seen. To the point that when I first touched it I said “oh dear. I don’t think we can ever have sex.” And he was all preoccupied and confused, and he asked “but why?!”. And I said “well there’s no way that thing can fit in my vagina!!!!” And then he laughed and was kind of in shock. And he asked if I’d still be willing to try, and I said yes but the more I think about, the scarier it feels. He’s so nice, and we spend great moments together. He spent the night on Friday and he cuddled me all night. However I was kind of disappointed when I saw him without shirt, he’s pretty skinny. And with that gigantic penis, it looks worse. Oh and he’s not very good at fingering… He’s so into me though. And he’s right, we really do click. But I’m not sure how much he turns me on with his clothes off, skinny with huge dick…

Then on Saturday I saw Muscle Babe. And we had sex. He was sooooo hot without shirt. Oh my. And his penis is HUGE too. But not quite as scary as Hot Iranian’s. It’s been two days and my vagina is still sore. We did it twice, and I handjobbed him once, and after that he was still rock hard. The second time he came before I did, and he started fingering me and in my head I was like “ugh… it will be another guy who thinks the harder the better and it’s gonna suck” but OH MY. I don’t know what he did, but the inside of my vagina became burning hot and I came in like 45 seconds. This has potential. After that we cuddled and chatted for a few hours and he started opening up more, it was really nice. He didn’t ask me to spend the night though. But I had brought wine and he said I could leave it at his place for the next times we hang out. And he also said he wants to take me out for dinner. And he just texted me.

Both still have their online profiles and are still connected pretty often so I’ll try not to feel too bad. I think I now need to find the right moment to end things with Hot Iranian, otherwise I’ll have to deal with that monster penis.

Definitely, I like my penises on the smaller side. This way you can have lots of wild sex and not be sore for days after.

 

When your dates are going… too well?

Oh my. So my fourth date in four days was with an Iranian. It went very well.

Since that dating spree, I have had five dates with Muscle Babe and three dates with Hot Iranian. And I have never been so confused in my life!

Hot Iranian’s pros:

  • He’s a scientist (and that’s hot).
  • He is not clingy.
  • He’s rich and owns a condo in the fanciest building of the city (hey money doesn’t buy happiness but I’m only human…).
  • He cooks.
  • He has a life schedule very similar to my crazy schedule and is almost finishing a master’s thesis while working full time.
  • He’s very caring (last week I was really sick and he came to my place and made me a healthy fruit salad with carefully chosen fruit for their vitamins, because he knows all about vitamins because he’s a scientist).
  • He kissed me on date 2.
  • We cuddled on date 3.
  • He opened up very quickly and on date 3 we spent the evening making out and asking each other indecent questions.
  • He wants to come over and make me dinner on Friday.
  • He makes plans for us in the (quite) far future and says stuff like “if you ever become my girlfriend”.
  • He’s very tech savy and always teaches me new stuff I can do with my phone and computer.
  • The love between him and my cat is mutual.
  • He’s a VERY nice guy (he hasn’t had sex since his last relationship THREE YEARS AGO!!!!).
  • He has a big penis (I saw it and felt it through his jeans).

Muscle Babe’s pros:

  • The. Hottest. Body. I’ve. Ever. Touched. I almost giggled when I squeezed his superhero chest the first time.
  • He loves his job and can work from home most of the time.
  • He has a really deep sexy voice.
  • He’s nerdy and repairs music instruments in his free time.
  • He’s a REALLY good kisser.
  • He’s not clingy.
  • He lives alone.
  • His company is based in Toronto so if it ever worked out and I was accepted in the phD in Toronto he could move with me. (Yes I know, thinking way too far ahead.)
  • He’s not sure if he wants kids (and me neither!).
  • My cat loves him and he finds my cat hilarious.
  • He’s a really nice guy too. He didn’t kiss me until date 4 and I had to help him otherwise we were not kissing that day either. Also, last night when we were making out, I said “Just to be clear, I don’t want to have sex tonight” and he said “Oh! No, you don’t have to worry about that”.
  • He’s very warm and when he puts his big arms around me I feel like a princess and I melt.
  • I’m pretty sure he doesn’t sleep around because there is a question on OKC that says “the person you’re dating tells you she’s had 14 sexual partners, how do you feel?” and he chose the answer that said “it seems like a lot but it doesn’t change how I feel”. He also answered “no” to the question “Have you ever had sex with someone you met online?”
  • He doesn’t have a micropenis. I felt it through his jeans. However, I don’t think it’s particularly big.
  • Because he’s so fit, it would really motivate me to stay fit. I can’t date a Muscle Babe without looking as hot as him. (Honestly he’s so hot, I am not worthy.)
  • I feel like if I chose him, it would be a more “normal”, and by that I mean that he seems to have the typical Canadian family that he sees every now and then.

Now the cons…

Hot Iranian’s cons:

  • He’s a bit religious. I hate religions. However he has a weird open-minded religion that I think wouldn’t really have an impact on us.
  • His little brother lives with him in his condo.
  • His parents have a condo in that same building. Don’t get me wrong, I love family-oriented guys, but I hate when the parents are too present in my relationships.
  • He’s only available about once a week.
  • I have the feeling he must fall in love hard and quickly and it’s a bit scary.
  • I might be moving to Toronto and I told him and he said “well you can’t be my girlfriend if you’re moving!” so I’m not sure if he would be the type of guy that would pressure me and be controlling.
  • He’s a bit clumsy and awkward when he kisses and touches me. (Probably the lack of practice!)
  • His voice is not that deep.
  • He… has a small head. This is very superficial, but I love having my hands in the guy’s hair when kissing and his small head makes me feel a little bit fat.

Muscle Babe’s cons:

  • He takes a lot of time to open up. I’ve spent more time with him and yet I feel like I know Hot Iranian better.
  • He’s really into music and I know nothing about music and I’m scared I couldn’t share this big part of his life with him. He also runs marathons, and I have a very shitty cardio. Maybe that would motivate me though…
  • He’s not very demonstrative. Hot Iranian compliments me and tells me what he likes about me, whereas with Muscle Babe I’m not sure where I stand. He texts me often and he’s super sweet and respectful, and yesterday for the first time he made plans for us. The most romantic thing he has said so far was “woah I can tell you squat by how strong your lower back feels”.
  • He’s very shy. We were playing the question game last night and I asked him what his favorite position was and he said “haha I shouldn’t have to answer this yet!” and then he turned tomato red.

So yeah. What do I do?! I can’t keep playing with both at the same time, it’s so dishonest. At the same time I think that under a month and without having the exclusivity talk and while not having sex, I’m allowed to see other people.

I’ve had meaningless sex a lot last year and I want my next time to mean something. So I don’t want to have sex with both.

When I was playing the questions game with both, I didn’t ask them how many people they’ve had sex with because I’m pretty sure I’ve done it with wayyyyy more people than they. Hot Iranian only slept with his girlfriends and he had one for three years, and Muscle Babe said 14 seemed like a lot. I’m at 15. That’s crazy!!!

So yes, this is where I stand for now! I really want to choose one soon. From the start I just assumed that I would get rejected by one of the two, or that one of the two would ghost or meet someone else or get back together with his ex, etc. But it doesn’t look like it’s happening!

However, I don’t think it’s impossible. They are both still online and whenever I stalk their profile it says they are online “right now”. So for now I will stop feeling guilty that I’m seeing both cause they’re probably going on other dates as well.

Online dating had never worked this well. It’s almost working… too well.

 

Dates, awkwardness, revenge

A lot happened since my last post. First, I had a few dates that I had no particular connection with, so I told them and they all reacted pretty maturely.

Then I signed up on OKC and POF again and am now on a date spree! I had a date late Wednesday and well… it was alright but I wouldn’t want to see the guy again. He looked really tall and muscular on his pictures and was supposedly 5’11. Ha. I’m 5’9 and my boots have heels, so if you lie about your height, I will know. And well the guy was short and skinny. He took me to a really fancy restaurant, and we had a good time but I didn’t feel a spark. He probably didn’t either since he hasn’t texted me since. He still insisted on paying the (expensive) bill though, and when we parted he said things like “it was amazing” and bla bla bla so I was sure I was gonna have to reject him, but no news and it’s been almost a week so… perfect!

Then two days ago I met another guy from OKC. Let’s call him Muscle Babe. He didn’t look great on his pictures to be honest, and I almost cancelled, but OH MY. He looked reaaaaaally hot on his pictures and was actually 6’1. We drank a lot, and he paid for the expensive bill too, and then we went to play pool and he won 2 out of 3 games. The next day I texted him I had a great time and that I would love to see him again. He replied that he’d like that too. We’ll see how that goes.

Then yesterday I had the most awkward date of my life. I got to the restaurant, and then I saw him though the window and thought “ugh I hope that’s not him” cause he was kind of ugly. So he comes in and sits and almost makes the table fall over. His forehead is COVERED in sweat. As in drops of sweat are falling from his forehead. Now I need to mention that we are in Canada and that the temperature last night was around -15 degrees. Once he finally sit, I probably already had my annoyed face on. He asked “Are you nervous?! You look nervous!” I replied “no… you’re the one sweating…” And then he kept “subtly” brushing the sweat off his forehead while he was speaking, which was really gross. Just own your sweat and wipe your forehead with a towel dude! Then he proceeded to ask “so! do you have any burning questions about me?” I replied “uh… no. Do you?” and he said “well no, usually this is my question”. “Well is this an interview? Can we just have a normal conversation?”

And then it got even more awkward. He said “so! you speak Spanish?! Wanna say something in Spanish?” In my head I was like “uuuuugh what’s the point dude you’re not gonna understand anything”. And I probably looked unimpressed cause he said “wait, do many people ask you to do that?” “yeah” “do you wish I didn’t?” “yeah”. And then he said “well fun fact! I’m color blind and people always ask me to tell them what color things are, and it is annoying too”. “Aaah…” was my annoyed reply. Then he just spoke about a bunch of reaaaaally boring things, and stole two pieces of my Croquette di Patate when he himself didn’t even order anything. I was pissed and asked for the bill. He said he felt bad and I said “well it was MY food so…” and then he said “So it says on your profile that you’re straightforward. What do you think of me? or should I say of us?” By then I had reached a dangerously high level of annoyed and it most likely showed in my face because he added “you look like you’re not enjoying yourself… is it something I did? Is it because I was late?” And I said “No, I’m just not feeling it, sorry” and he asked if I could explain more and I was kind of pissed by then and said it could not be explained, it was just not clicking. And he said “well I don’t like to waste my time” and I said, a bit too eagerly, “me neither, wanna go?!” and stood up and got out of there. He looked sooooo mad. I wished him a good evening and we went our separate ways. I then received the following text: “Thanks for possible the driest date I’ve ever had. Next time don’t talk a guy up for a week and act totally closed up when you meet.” I didn’t reply.

Another thing that has happened is my Mexican ex now has a girlfriend. He is still illegally in my country and I am convinced he just wants to use her for his citizenship like he tried to use me, so I called the border agency tip line and I gave them all the information I could think of about him. They said everything I gave was very useful. Hopefully he gets deported soon. I also messaged the girl to tell her her boyfriend is an undocumented illegal immigrant because I believe he must not have told her. I’ll probably look like the crazy ex girlfriend, but if I don’t say anything, I will be partly to blame when he ruins another girl. I have to admit though, if my ex does get deported and banned from my country, it will feel like a sweet revenge.

On another note, I have a date tonight. From POF. A good-looking Middle-Easterner. We’ll see how that goes!

 

 

 

 

A few dates and a few frustrations

So! These last few weeks I’ve had two Tinder dates and I tried Happn as well, and had one date from there.

My first Tinder date was with Tall Extroverted Blond. He was really nice (and hot, even though I don’t usually like blonds) and hilarious, but holy crap, he was way TOO extroverted. He made the waitress drink with us, and he wanted to order everything on the menu. He insisted on getting the bill, which was 144$. Thank you TEB. Yay for free food and drinks! (Now it doesn’t mean I date only for the free stuff, but I have to admit it’s always nice.)

My second date was with the guy from Happn. He lives a few blocks from me so we met at Starbucks near my building. He’s a bit short, although not shorter than me, but he’s really cute and shy and nerdy (and he’s super muscular, yummm). I totally want to see him again. Also, fun fact, he has no posterior cruciate ligament in his right knee, AND ME NEITHER!!!! We both tore it, he in a car accident, I tripping on my friend’s feet. We’re supposed to go get food together this week.

Today on my lunch break I had a quick lunch with a Tinder guy. I wasn’t really attracted to him, but he was really nice. He’s also moving to Japan in September 2016 so I don’t plan on pursuing anything with him except friendship if he’s up for it. He was smart and interesting, just not my type.

I’ve been hanging out with my bestfriend a few times since the awfully awkward night and I’m soooo happy that it’s not too awkward and that we’re still friends. On Saturday I was his “date” at his work Christmas party, and we had fun (even though I had to listen to extremely boring accountant conversations). However, at some point we’re sitting at our fancy tables, and he takes his phone out of his pants pocket and A CONDOM falls on the floor. I was pissed. I was like uuuuh did you plan on using that with me??? And I made it clear again that we are better as friends and that I don’t want more. He promised that it’s just a habit, that he always carries one because once he made a stupid decision and had sex without condom because he didn’t have one. But still. I was not impressed.

Another thing that happened is that Short Peruvian came to my house two weekends ago, and he was like “I love you” (and I’m so stupid, I said it back) and when we were gonna have sex, he asked to do it without condom and I was like uuuuh no way! And he said he hadn’t been with anyone else since me, and was a bit pissed when I said I had been with other guys. We then went to the movies and he was all touchy feely and cheesy with me, and then he went back to the city where he’s studying, promising to message me the next time he’d be in town (cause he’s leaving for Thailand on in 6 days). And theeeeen!!! On the Thursday I went out dancing, and who do I see there with a girl?! Short Peruvian, who so didn’t tell me he was in town. He was acting weird and cold with me, so I invited him to dance and said “uuuh did you not tell me you were in town because you wanted to go out with that girl and sleep at her place?” and he called me crazy. Then I saw him dance super dirty with the girl, and I went to them and told her “hi, he had sex with me four days ago and he’s an asshole”. I know. I must have looked like a crazy person. But hey!!!! I wasn’t gonna let him get away with that. And that poor girl could have been his next victim. But I guess she didn’t care since she let him rub his penis on her for the rest of the night. I hate him. I can’t wait for him to be gone so I can just forget about him. And if I see that girl again, I’m totally telling her the whole story.

Attraction matters. Lesson learned.

Two summers ago I met Exotic Hottie on Tinder. We hit it off instantly, he was totally my type: sarcastic, nerdy yet muscular (part-time personal trainer, studying human kinetics), hipster glasses, tanned skin, black hair. He was really hot. And we were FWBs for a while but he was always ditching me and he only ever wanted to see me to have sex. So I asked him if he was willing to go on real dates and he said he wasn’t looking to date seriously, so we ended it but kept in touch. The year after, I saw him at an event and he introduced me to all his friends, including Black Rapper and Shy Latino. Obviously Shy Latino was totally my type, and he didn’t know that his best friend and I had had a thing, so he said “I like your smile, would you like to hang out sometime?” and he took my number. Just to be sure I wasn’t causing trouble, I told Cute Latino about my past with his best friend Exotic Hottie and made sure to get EH’s blessing before we did anything. We hung out a couple times and I had a lot of fun, but I didn’t feel like he was super interested so I left it alone. However, I started hanging out with that group a lot, and Black Rapper and I were always having a blast because he loves dancing even more than I do, and we always rap together. We we were hanging out at least once a week all summer, sometimes with other friends, sometimes just the two of us. And he knew about my past with Exotic Hottie and Shy Latino, his two best friends. So somehow I never saw Black Rapper as a sexual being. I was not gonna “try” all three best friends, that would make me a slut.

But then this Halloween, Black Rapper, who had become one of my best friends, confessed his love to me and said he wasn’t gonna be in the friend zone. I freaked out and left. Then two weeks later we hung out with friends and for the first time I thought he was good looking and saw him as a potential date. I was confused, because in his group of friends, he’s the last one I would sleep with (the group in made of Exotic Hottie, Shy Latino, Black Rapper, Hot Doctor, Cute Macho, Hot Croatian and Hot Croatian’s twin). But then we went out with my friend and her boyfriend and had such a blast… and it made me think that all my flings with hot guys never work out, so what if I gave more importance to the inside? Oh dear. Never again. ATTRACTION MATTERS.

So on Saturday Black Rapper came to my place and we were gonna go buy food, cook and talk about the situation. It didn’t start well. He was hyper and getting on my nerves. Then at the grocery store I felt like I was with a kid, he was asking questions, not helping at all, didn’t know what any of the food I was looking for was, etc. Then we got back to my place and he played on his phone while I was cooking. Uuuuh what? Then food (cheese fondue) was ready and we ate, and he didn’t really like it.

Then came the big discussion. I was quite tipsy by then, thanks to our bottle of Riesling. He asked “Are you attracted to me?”. And I said I didn’t know, I said I thought I was starting to feel something, that I could picture myself kissing him but that it felt really weird if I imagined him grabbing my boobs. So he suggested we tried it. So we kissed. It was pretty bad. He was kissing to fast. Too many small kisses with hard lips. And then weird weird weird tongue. And then, he completely turned me off by asking: “How great of a kisser am I, M? I always get good feedback, I’m a great kisser. How would you rate me? I’ll accept anything over 9.5.” And in my head I was like WHATTTT!!!! THIS IS NOT MORE THAN A 5. So I just giggled and avoided the topic, he insisted, I said I wasn’t gonna rate him. Then we spent the next two hours kissing and cuddling and he couldn’t stop saying stuff like “I’m so attracted to you, M”, “Oh my god, I love your legs, you have the best legs! Your butt is awesome too. Actually I think that’s your best asset after your personality. Because you’re so awesome, M.” And I know he meant well. But this was too much! And his hands were trying to get close to my side boobs and butt and I was sooooo uncomfortable because I wasn’t even CLOSE to feel attraction for him. Then, AMEN, my cat vomitted. So I had to go clean it. When I came back on the couch, I told my friend that I was not feeling this, that I couldn’t do this, and that I was sorry for having been confused, but that I knew now that I didn’t like him like that.

He looked a bit disappointed, but he took it well and promised that we would keep being “the awesomest friends”.

So yes, lesson learned. I’m never trying to force attraction again. I’m not settling for less. This is gonna sound so arrogant, but I want someone hot, smart, nice, educated, drama-free, tall, muscular and funny. Why? Because I am all that and I deserve the same. (Now I don’t think I’m crazy hot, but I think I look alright since I work out and know how to use makeup.)

On another note, I’m excited about the holidays. Black Rapper and Muscular Dominican (an old FWB who became a really good friend who I sometimes sleep with) both invited me to their work Christmas party, so that’s two more occasions to dress up, yay! Also, this coming Friday, I’m going to a huge party and the theme is Winter Wonderland, so I’m gonna wear a white dress and try to do a cool makeup! I hope I won’t see Prince Charming, because I plan on drinking a lot and that could make for an uncomfortable situation.

Last Thursday I went out salsa dancing and a hot Moroccan took my number! But we haven’t gone out yet.

Also, I’m back on Tinder. Nothing impressive so far though.

 

Goodbye CE

Okay. Things are getting out of hands.

Cute Egyptian is crazy. If I don’t text him for a day he thinks there is something wrong. I can’t do needy people. I am extra extra busy.

Today he texted me “hey sweetie”. NO!!!!! You don’t call me affectionate names when we’ve had like five dates! It’s freaking me out. He also asked me if I wanted to go to NYC with him and his friends, and if I wanted to spend the Christmas holidays with him in the West. WHAT!!!! Nope. Not doing this. Creepy.

I’m giving him the goodbye speech tonight.

On another note, I went out dancing like night and one guy bought me a drink and two asked for my number. Confidence boost! And I looked awful last night! I hadn’t gone home for more than 12 hours and was dressed like a saint because I had just been teaching. Anyways, I had a blast and drank too much wine and beer. Last night, I truly enjoyed the single life. I think I still want it. Screw men! This week has been the craziest week ever of my academic life. Realistically, I should not even have time to date.

Getting rid of that clingy Egyptian tonight.